My ResistBot message.

For three years, I tried to have a successful pregnancy. From summer of 2012 until February of 2015, I suffered five miscarriages. Each of those miscarriages is noted on my charts as an abortion. They were spontaneous abortions and missed abortions. I had one stubborn blighted ovum that made me deal with morning sickness until my doctor suggested I stop torturing myself and have a D&C to expedite the miscarriage procedure. I went to her office every week from weeks 4-11 of pregnancy, while my symptoms increased, my HCG levels increased, and the empty sac kept growing. It was torture. I finally opted for the D&C for my own mental wellbeing and to get my body ready to try again to be pregnant. 

I finally had a successful pregnancy and delivered my son in December 2015. He is a true miracle I never thought I'd ever see. Almost three years later, he became a big brother in September 2018. 

I wear a necklace with all seven birthstones. The five babies I never held are small circular stones set in silver. My two miracle children are ovals set in gold. 

The testing, the ER trips, the mental anguish, the physical and emotional trauma, the missed work, the isolation, the disappointment every month when I wasn't pregnant, the heartbreak every time I lost a baby... I was choosing life time and again, but my choice was ignored. My body took my choice from me. I felt powerless. Hopeless. I distanced myself from people. 

I wanted nothing more than to hold those other babies. I think do them constantly. They are in my charts as abortions because that is the clinical term. I didn't choose to abort. I did everything I could to prevent it from happening. The trauma I endured will never leave me. But under restrictive laws like in Georgia, I would be charged. I would have to prove that I'd been doing everything right. I'd have to relive the worst days of my life (and I'm a Katrina survivor, so that's saying something) to prove to someone that I was innocent. 

In addition, I know what it is to be denied choice. I chose life. I was denied it time and again. I was powerless and hopeless. You may think I'm advocating for such laws after what I've been through, but I'm not. I want everyone to make the choice that is right for their family and situation. There's nothing worse than not getting a choice because thins are out of your control. 

Please allow women to keep choosing. Don't adopt draconian laws like Georgia and Alabama. Don't have happily married women trying to build a family stand trial or get locked up because their bodies failed them. Let them heal, don't prosecute them and cause them to relive the trauma. 

One thing after another.

My girl has kept me on edge from day one.

Not only was she a shock, considering my history, she had me go through so much more. Part of that was that I’d be delivering at 39 years. To recap, because I don’t remember if I discussed it all, here’s why I was almost more nervous this time around. Some I haven’t discussed. Some is new.

1. My typical fear following five miscarriages kicked into gear. I don’t truly relax until that first cry happens.

2. Everything was fine when I finally saw my doctor at 11 weeks. Everything was fine the next week at the MFM.

3. Due to my age, we did a quad screen. It came back with a 1:60 chance that she would have Downs Syndrome.

4. I didn’t want an amino because I’m high risk already and didn’t want to raise my risk factors.

5. The MFM made me get the MaterniT 21 screen, which came back normal.

6. Part of her heightened concerned over the quad screen was that I had a two-vessel cord. The cord could mean Downs, a heart defect, growth restriction, or a pregnancy that would not last.

7. I had to wait until 24 weeks to see a pediatric cardiologist at Children’s. Everything came back fine, but with the caveat that a very small moving baby is hard to read and they couldn’t guarantee perfection. However, she was very confident in what she saw.

8. I had to have growth scans every four weeks.

9. I had to take my baby aspirin and my prescription B vitamin.

10. We discovered an under active thyroid and I went back on meds for that.

11. I failed the first part of my glucose test. By a good bit.

12. I failed one part of the second glucose test. This ruled me glucose intolerant and I had to eliminate most sugar from my diet. It wasn’t gestational diabetes. But it was enough to restrict my intake.

13. I had to do my NSTs starting at 31 weeks this time.

14. My blood pressure actually cooperated the whole time.

15. Eliminating most sugar and then later raising the dose of my  thyroid meds made me plateau in weight gain because both things happened around the same time. I was worried that she wasn’t growing. But the frequent growth scans confirmed that it was the meds plus the diet change.

16. We got in an accident at 38 weeks and I had to go to the ER and to be observed in L and D.

17. I went into labor early Friday evening but didn’t know it until Saturday morning because I had a cold. All I could take was Robitussin and Tylenol PM. That knocked me out and I slept through the early parts. Then I lost my mucus plug and my contractions picked up.

18. After my water broke Saturday night, they discovered she had meconium and the NP was called in.

19. They held her up and confirmed that she was female. I didn’t get to hold her because they had to examine and clean her to make sure the meconium hadn’t caused issues.

20. Meconium was not an issue. They cleaned her a bit and I finally got to hold her before they did the actual bath, stats, etc.

21. The next morning, eating breakfast in a daze, my husband went to the cafeteria to get something to go. This was immediately after she had her hearing tested and passed. The hearing lady put her back in the bassinet and on her side facing away from me. A pediatrician walked in and freaked out. What I couldn’t see and mistook for the sound of her slurping her hand again, was that she was spitting up, had it coming out of her nose, and was basically choking. The pediatrician yelled “oh my god!” in the middle of introducing herself. She picked her up and flipped her and patted her back, auctioning her with a bulb, and got her ok. She whisked her away to deep suction her. I couldn’t eat the rest of my breakfast.

22. They brought her back eventually. The pediatrician was not from our office, but she recognized me. We had gone to high school together. She was our valedictorian. I felt confident that, given her intelligence level , the baby had been in good hands. They kept her in the nursery for observation after the deep suction. Doctor brought her back and everything was fine. She showed me what to do if this happened again. I never found out why a pediatrician from a different practice came in, but man was I glad she did.

23. She continued to spit up through her nose and mouth until after we had been home for at least a week. One explanation for why it kept happening was that her digestive system hadn’t fully matured and so when she tried to poop, the spitup came out. Every time it happened and we got a nurse to come in, she had pooped. She had a couple more scary ones and was deep suctioned a few times. She had one more where they kept her for observation, too.

24. Our pediatrician left the practice when school started. My love bug has never been in school and was a very healthy kid. Until he went to school. Doctor wouldn’t be at her new practice until December, originally, but she moved it up and started the same day I returned to work. So in the meantime, we saw another doctor in the practice. He’s okay but he’s not my favorite. He had one of the brand new doctors with him when he finally paid us a visit. Dr. Valedictorian mentioned that baby had a sacral dimple, but it didn’t seem to be deep and wasn’t anything to really worry about. Dr. For Now, however, was concerned about it. He also detected a hip click. He said we would need to get her in for ultrasounds around six weeks.

25. The ultrasound finally happened. The sacral dimple was not a sign of spina bifida. It was not tethered to her spine. This was excellent news. The hip click also was not a sign of hip dysplasia. This was also awesome. Apparently, the presence of both was alarming to him. I’m glad we had her checked and even more glad she was fine, but it was so nerve wracking.

26. My son is a walking Petri dish. At two weeks old, baby had her first cold.

27. When I returned to work Halloween week, she was six weeks old. That is a travesty and America needs to do better. That’s a different post, though. By the next week, I had a nasty cold. They sent me home from work on Wednesday. We were having our overnight on the north shore and the other teachers conspired to get me sent home. Thank god. I didn’t want to go with a 7-week-old baby at home. Husband took the night off work so he could stay home with the kids. I didn’t go on the trip, but he was able to let me sleep. Since I’m pumping, all o could do was let it run its course. The next week, my son started showing signs of the cold. He went to the doctor. They called it a cold. He got worse. He went to the kid urgent care. They ruled it RSV. We did what we could, but the baby and my husband both caught it. She had a mild version, most likely due to the antibodies in my breast milk since my bad cold was actually RSV.

Basically, while she’s a good-tempered baby who started sleeping through the night at 7 weeks, she has given us a real run for our money with health scares.