For three years, I tried to have a successful pregnancy. From summer of 2012 until February of 2015, I suffered five miscarriages. Each of those miscarriages is noted on my charts as an abortion. They were spontaneous abortions and missed abortions. I had one stubborn blighted ovum that made me deal with morning sickness until my doctor suggested I stop torturing myself and have a D&C to expedite the miscarriage procedure. I went to her office every week from weeks 4-11 of pregnancy, while my symptoms increased, my HCG levels increased, and the empty sac kept growing. It was torture. I finally opted for the D&C for my own mental wellbeing and to get my body ready to try again to be pregnant.
I finally had a successful pregnancy and delivered my son in December 2015. He is a true miracle I never thought I'd ever see. Almost three years later, he became a big brother in September 2018.
I wear a necklace with all seven birthstones. The five babies I never held are small circular stones set in silver. My two miracle children are ovals set in gold.
The testing, the ER trips, the mental anguish, the physical and emotional trauma, the missed work, the isolation, the disappointment every month when I wasn't pregnant, the heartbreak every time I lost a baby... I was choosing life time and again, but my choice was ignored. My body took my choice from me. I felt powerless. Hopeless. I distanced myself from people.
I wanted nothing more than to hold those other babies. I think do them constantly. They are in my charts as abortions because that is the clinical term. I didn't choose to abort. I did everything I could to prevent it from happening. The trauma I endured will never leave me. But under restrictive laws like in Georgia, I would be charged. I would have to prove that I'd been doing everything right. I'd have to relive the worst days of my life (and I'm a Katrina survivor, so that's saying something) to prove to someone that I was innocent.
In addition, I know what it is to be denied choice. I chose life. I was denied it time and again. I was powerless and hopeless. You may think I'm advocating for such laws after what I've been through, but I'm not. I want everyone to make the choice that is right for their family and situation. There's nothing worse than not getting a choice because thins are out of your control.
Please allow women to keep choosing. Don't adopt draconian laws like Georgia and Alabama. Don't have happily married women trying to build a family stand trial or get locked up because their bodies failed them. Let them heal, don't prosecute them and cause them to relive the trauma.
