Deepest gratitude...

Dear Current News Items,

Thank you so much for taking me back to a simpler time. A happier time. A time when news wasn't serious and was a hobby, not an obsession, of the media. Speaking as a former member of the Fourth Estate, I can say that your presence almost makes me wish I hadn't given up on my first love. You recent news items have returned us to the Clinton-era of wacky hijinks and morons, as opposed to the current "He's gonna get us blowed up!!!" news of the Bush "administration" (Administration, Fraternity Rush Party, Corral, what have ye...).

Runaway Bride, thank you for giving us a dimension of lunacy not seen since the days of the Oral Office. Not since Slick Willie shoved a Cuban where (hopefully!) the sun don't shine has this country had a pathetisad man obsessed with a woman to laugh at. She ran out on her $100,000+ wedding, faked a kidnapping, changed her hair, and ran off to Vegas (Note: WITHOUT YOU) to escape your impending nuptials. Yet, you still "Want her back, because we all make mistakes."

Thank you, Michael Jackson, for your penchant for all things tiny. From wee Macaulay Culkin to your eroding nose, you're a gnome's worst nightmare. Without you, what would Access Hollywood DO???

Thank you, Tiger Woods, for marrying a supermodel/incubus who sucks your playing mastery so that someone else can have the limelight. But thanks again for restoring humanity's faith in you (except in the South, where they don't take kindly to your lifestyle choice and heritage, present company excluded), because with baseball's steroids and the Blanco/Benson Brawl, the kids don't have much to look up to these days.

Which reminds me, thank you, Gov. Blanco and Saints owner Tom Benson. Your petty squabbles on keeping a worthless franchise (my opinion) in town by creating mini-tax hikes in order to raise the money to refurbish the Dome which "aren't enough" really take the heat off of our failing public schools and the fact that our teachers were not all paid a few pay periods ago. Not since Zsa Zsa slapped that cop have we had such a trivial battle in the news. And while we're at it....why not use that hypothetical budget to fix the streets in my neighborhood, since you don't care enough about the students and teachers. My front end will appreciate that when I don't have to turn my steering wheel to the 3:00 position to drive in a 12:00 direction.

So, thanks for keeping the news off that dumbass who thinks 51% of the voting population is a mandate. It's nice to forget that those weapons don't exist, that young kids and family members are dying, and that we still haven't caught the guy responsible for September 11, 2001. 2001, Shrub!!

Sincerely,

A Blue Heart from the only Blue city in a Red State.
("Not BLUE Blue. TOILET BOWL BLUE.")