Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I haven't written to you in quite some time. Perhaps I have never written to you. See, when I was 4, I figured out that you weren't real. I said to my mom, "Mom, I know Santa isn't real." Mom, most likely thinking, "WHO TOLD HER!?!?!?! SHE'S FOUR!!!" asked what I meant. I told her, "At Christmas, there's always sales. Santa wouldn't need money to buy toys. The toys go on sale because the mommies and daddies have to buy the presents." So shocked by this logic, which evidently left me at this pivotal moment in my childhood, my mother knew there was no way to get me to believe again. She admitted that my theory was correct. As a result, I have no memories of believing in you.

Every year, people ask me what I want for Christmas. I don't like to make lists of things I want. First, I feel greedy. Second, if I make a list, then that's what I get, and there are no surprises. I prefer Christmas Eve to Christmas Day simply because of the anticipation and wonderment. Always have, always will.

I'm not religious. Yeah, yeah, Jesus is the reason for the season and all that jazz. But I like Christmas for its secular traditions, the way my family gets together, when normally, they don't. I like to watch people open gifts that I give them. I feel awkward opening gifts in front of people, but I love when they open mine and I can watch their reaction. Means more to me than some scarf.

I finally told my dad last night that I will not make a list because I prefer the surprise. He understood, and I guess he'll leave me alone about it now.

But other people don't. They think I'm ridiculous. Perhaps I am.

So here's my compromise. It's the list of things I DON'T want. Enjoy.

1. Cable knit sweaters
2. Any tops that are turtle necks
3. Velour anything
4. CDs
5. DVDs
6. Video games
7. Clothes from department store petite sections because I am not a 60-year-old prekindergarten teacher or petite, technically. (I'm either the tallest you can be to be petite or the shortest you can be to be regular.)
8. Festive pins
9. Perfume that I don't wear, but you do
10. Holiday items
11. Decorative pillows
12. Books about conservative issues, or "Family First" by Dr. Phil (the only thing I saw flooded in my house after Katrina that made me smile), or cook books (because who are we kidding?).
13. Coat racks
14. Wind suits
15. Something that you, the gift giver, would wear, because chances are, my sense of style is very different from yours.
16. Plaques with sayings on them, like, "Chocolate makes life sweeter!"
17. Muu-muus or housecoats
18. Math text books
19. Tupperware, because we're busting out of our cabinets with that stuff
20. Plush items