So I'm going to be vague on this because I don't want this person (who won't know this is here) to know I said it, but I have to get it off my chest because I got really embarrassed and I feel bad.
So this person I know thought that he/she...I'll call this person "Pat..." had been exposed to a disease that can be kinda deadly and was feeling bad, so I looked up on the Internet the causes, etc. (Don't worry....it was a false alarm because the original sick person apparently doesn't have this deadly diease.) So I'm reading along, and one thing the site says is that other viruses in a person can cause it to happen. Including herpes. So, I say, "Uh-oh, Pat.....better quit sleeping around!" And Pat says. "I have herpes!!!" And I say, "Shut up." And Pat says, "No, seriously. I got it from my ex, Jordan. (I love gender-neutral names....) Jordan was my third, I was Jordan's 300th, practically."
Pardon me while I scream like Howard Dean.
How do you get out of something like that? As I told Kate, no more bringing circle jokes into the unsuspecting public. Sheesh. I'm mortified. And I am willing to bet Pat was, too.
In other karmic news, though, yesterday, a kid I will refer to as "Surfer chick" and I were building a popsicle house at work. She said, "Hey, I'm going to give you horns, okay?" I'm thinking in terms of bunny ears.
Oh, how wrong I was.
SHE GLUED A FLIPPIN' POPSICLE STICK TO MY HAIR!!!!!
Yes, to my hair. With so much glue, it soaked all the way through to my scalp. So I went to wash it out, but it was too far back for me to see. So I went to Jean's office, where i found Nijel, too. I said, "You know, there are days when I love my job, and days that make me want to quit. Today is one of those days." I turned around and showed them my hair. "Know any ways other than getting in a shower and actually washing my hair to get glue out of it?" They didn't, of course.
So I just had to let it dry. Then, I obsessed over picking the glue out as it dried. I looked like I needed 42 bottles of Selsun Blue. It was all flaking on my chocolate colored shirt and everything. Surfer chick and one of the Rachels helped. Ok...attempted to help. All they did was remove chunks of my hair. It hurt so bad.
Then, I get home. And I am in the kitchen, talking to Mark, when I knock over the stack of Christmas cards on the counter. He's holding Lily. As I bend over to pick up the cards, she gets wiggly, jumps onto the china cabinet, misses/bounces off, and LANDS ON MY HEAD!!!
A FLIPPIN' CAT FELL ON MY HEAD!!!
It's rainin' cats...hallelujah it's rainin' cats, meow meow!
On her way down, she clawed my right arm, and I have a puncture wound now.
Then, we were taking down our Christmas stuff, and I got behind the tree to get the rear ornaments. I leaned over to unplug the lights, and I smacked my head on the corner of the windowsill. It left a red mark. Today, it feels bruised, but you can't really see it. However, I never realized how often one touches one's forehead throughout the day. Everytime I push my hair out of my face....every time I rest my head on my hands....Torture.
So, I think I've paid my dues for the herpes joke attempt.
Incidentally, Pat is okay with it. Surfer chick was banished to the Game Room yesterday until she drew me a card with Cartman on it. It was hilarious. Cartman was saying, "I uh, I uh, screw you guys, I'm going home." Under that, it said, "If he won't say sorry, then I will. I'm sorry!" On the inside was a drawing of the back of my head with a popsicle stick stuck to it. Under that, it said, "It wasn't funny" and had an insert arrow pointing to the word, "That," which was written above wasn't and funny. It said on the next page, You're cooler than chocolate and black nail polish, and those are pretty cool. I love you, Aunt Mae." All was forgiven, It's hanging on my fridge. Lily is fine. And my head still hurts. And Mark? Mark's still laughing at that series of unfortunate events. Bum.
No comments:
Post a Comment