Tuesday, December 28, 2004

'Cause I'm a LIIIIIAAAAAARRRRRRR!

So, I have some time, and here I am. I lied. You get me at least this once more before the year ends.

I'll start with a holiday wrap-up.

Work with a hangover #1 and work exhausted #1: My Kate is here. We had a party for her, complete with Lance's food and Lance's alcohol. Word to the wise: never let a man with a serious love of the drink fix you a drink. He made me an apple martini that I think is still scalding my esophagus.

Work exhausted #2: We went to Alicia and Kurt's on Tuesday that week to celebrate Caroline's birthday with fresh baked cookies and a showing of "Napoleon Dynamite." That movie ruled. Whaddaya know...you CAN make a friggin' hilarious movie without gross-out humor!

Work with a hangover #2 and work exhausted #3: We went to '80s night at One Eyed Jack's. Yes, Devon, the Morrissey look-alike was there. But no Dead or Alive. Must have been too cold for them.

I broke out of jail free by taking a half day on Friday. First, there were snow flurries in the morning. We bundled up the kids...hats...coats....gloves....scarves...and one pair of mittens. But, wouldn't you know it, as soon as we got out there, the flippin' snow had stopped. Waste of a trip.

Then, I learned that in order to get out of a grocery store alive on Christmas Eve, one must play Quarterback. Sheesh. I actually plowed down some old people just to buy candy for my grandparents-in-law. Wishing I hadn't in retrospect. Very glad I pawned off that ugly-ass steal-a-gift item that I got at the office Chanukkah party. It was a plaque thingy...hand-painted....that said, "Chocolate lovers know that life is sweet!" Well, in my book, if you're the type of person to display plaques like, "Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old" in your kitchen, then you should love that sort of thing. So I pawned that piece of crap onto her. She says she liked it. I hope she didn't.

We started the night at Maw Maw and Pops' house, where we dined on such delicacies as chicken salad sandwiches and ham sandwiches, made from pre-packaged meat, and snacky items. We were the only ones who had to open gifts, simply because one branch of the family left early, and so everyone did the exchange two nights previous. So everyone sat down to boredly watch us open our gifts. We scored with the third season of (Everybody...in a deep, gravelly voice) "24" and "Elf." Mark got a cool music trivia game. The cats got lots of gifts. And then there was me.

I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did my grandmother-in-law give me for Christmas??? First off, the lesser sins: we established long ago that I hate pink, and that no one should ever buy me anything pink. So imagine my dismay at opening the big box (she doesn't wrap things individually...she gives you a whole box full of stuff) full of pink??? She obviously can't decide whether I'm 12 or 68, because she bought me pajamas that were bright pink and say "Angel" and some stupid slogan all over them, and an old lady night gown with a fuschia housecoat. Ever see that episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Marie gives Debra one to match hers? Well, I got one to match all of the women in the family. Yes, hideous and kind of offensive...but.....

I cried Saturday night over this one....She gave me Dr. Phil's new book, "Family First," on how to raise a "phenomenal family." ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUDEST. PRESENT. EVER!!!!!!! First off, we work cruddy little jobs with zero benefits and hardly any pay. Second of all, I'm about to start grad school. And third of all, we've only been married 2 1/2 years, and we're only 25!!! It was all I could do to keep from yelling, throwing the book at her, and walking 90 miles home in sleet. I mean, if I was a fan of Dr. Phil, then I could see giving me the book. But I'm not. Even if he does look like my dad. But she clearly gave me this book as a big hint that she wants great-grandchildren ASAP. Keep on waiting, lady. Because she doesn't know it, but I don't want to have children. It'll be a cold day in her grave before she gets great-grandchildren from these loins.

I thought maybe I'd overreacted to this, but when I tell it to people, they get angry for me. Which makes it worse, because I'm realizing how justified I am. Eff bees.

We went to midnight Mass, which I only stayed awake during because I felt it was my wifely duty to slap Mark's thigh once in a while to wake him up. The priest spoke like Emo Phillips. But he was fat, so it was in a slightly lower octave. And it was so weird to walk into midnight Mass at midnight and have our pick of seats. Dang. You have to get to SPN by 11 p.m. or you have to stand. No Chrisssamiss Daaaayyy, though. Denied.

We woke up Christmas morning to be told by my MIL that it had snowed. We looked outside, and sure enough....it was a white Christmas!!!

There were icicles on everything and just a smidgen of snow on the ground. It sleeted all morning, then turned to snow. Full-out snowflakes! We were eating lunch at his grandparents' house, and I was the only one who was seated perfectly so that I could see through the doorways to the back porch, where I noticed it was coming down hard and was all snow. So we interrupted dinner to have a snowball fight! It continued snowing and we got snowed in!! It was only like 2 inches, but south Louisiana isn't prepared to handle snow. All roads leading back to New Orleans were shut down. Too many bridges. Most of the ride down to my in-laws is mostly through swamp areas. We were stranded with no clean clothes or underwear. Wal-Mart, Rite Aid, CVS, and the grocery stores were all closed. Stupid podunk town!!! We had to wash our underwear and clothes that night. Luckily, we'd spent the night Friday, so we had pajamas. But all we had were the clothes on our backs, our pajamas, and the dress clothes for church.We couldn't leave until almost 2:30 Sunday afetrnoon because we were waiting for roads to open. But here in New Orleans, you can hardly tell it had snowed.

At work, our playground is always in the shade, so there was some snow left Monday morning. We had a snowball fight at work this morning with the kids. I totally nailed a girl I hate. But it's in the upper 50s today. And it'll be in the mid-70s this weekend. Go figure.The worst part? I had my camera out to bring with me Friday night, and I said, "What am I going to take a picture of?" So I left it HOME. My in-laws took a bunch of pics, though. And, when we got to my parents' house yesterday for a belated Christmas celebration (even sadder, we were expecting to be home Christmas night, so we left our gifts to each other at home, and we didn't get to exchange them until last night!!), what did they give us but a digital camera???? Grrrr.......

We got a bunch of gift cards for Christmas, and some hot chocolate mix, and a stir-fry pan, and Chappelle's Show season 1, and a cool caller-ID/answering machine dual phone set from my side of the family, to name a few things. Yeah...who has the cooler family? But, to be fair, his parents gave us the recliner. To Mark, I gave the Metallica history book, "America: the Book" by those crazy kids at The Daily Show, a Wonder Woman figure (long story), a South Park T-shirt, and a cool nice shirt. He gave me a scarf, the new CD from Muse, a chord book and the Weezer tab book because he's going to teach me to play guitar, and a gorgeous amethyst necklace. Yeah...who's the cooler spouse...HINT: not me!

Work with a hangover #3 and work with exhaustion #4: Calie and Geoff brought us to Nick's bar and we met Kate, Caroline, and Kurt there. It was fun and all, but not a place I'd like to frequent.

Work exhausted #5: Went to see "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" with Kate, Caroline, Keith, Alicia, Kurt, Gootee, and some of his family members while Mark worked a crappy shift. It was good, but I prefer Tennenbaums. Hung out at Starbucks later. Kate dropped me off, and we talked for a while. Still had to shower. Blah.

I hate my job. I've got an application for Starbucks...anyone else know anywhere else that's hiring? Stop me before I go postal. Life pretty much sucks right now. I read something online earlier about how when people ask this guy what the best year of his life is, he always says, "This one, because we haven't seen next year yet." Well, I don't see it that way. My answer is, "Hopefully next year, because the last few have been utter crap." Flip.

2 comments:

DevS said...

The line "the priest sounded like Emo Phillips" is one of the funniest things I have read in years!

~ Future Mrs. Ryan Dunn

PS-Thanks for spying Morrissey at One Eyed Jacks!

Geoff said...

You're lucky I have restraint....